The MathNerd (mathnerd314) wrote,
The MathNerd

The thing that has changed

I walked out, a few verses in to the Rosh Hashanah haftorah. (Dear Old-Line Urban Shul, why are we reading that in English, among all of our insane high-church affectations?) Penina mocks Chana for her childlessness, reduces her for her childlessness, tells her to keep her mouth shut during shul education discussions because of her childlessness--okay, maybe not that last one exactly but this Chana decided not to listen to it any more.

(Also, don't go looking for answers about what happened next, between the two of them. You just can't reconcile it for yourself.)

So I walked out, and without guilt chatted until I was sure the reading had passed. And it was so lovely that I also found reason to slip out when the sermon was dull, or the essay by a congregant was insulting (an error in logic and an error in grammar rendered Reform Judaism the equivalent of Mussolini and Hitler, and a high percentage of my friends "not Jewish").

It's not that I'm a stranger to running away, as we all know. But somehow I've finally learned to ask myself, "why am I engaging in this?" Sometimes there is a good fight worth fighting, but sometimes there's only a battle because you escalate a skirmish.

I mean, not that I usually stop fighting, but I'm sometimes recognizing the futility in the fight. It feels like progress. It feels like a sort of freedom.

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